


This Great Feeling

by ItheGodot



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Blood, But they would never admit it, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, all that mess and then
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-04-21 17:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22099054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItheGodot/pseuds/ItheGodot
Summary: The war with the Amanto for the preservation of Edo took all they had and more, and those who emerged alive were never the same.The accounts of their sorrow were etched in the rubble on the streets of the surviving city.It would take no less than a miracle to heal them.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou & Okita Sougo, Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 30
Kudos: 96





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing like a too-long vacation to make people dust off n-year-old WIPs.

Gintoki played with a candy in his palm. It was a cheap bonbon in a yellow wrapper.

_ We do not choose who we love. _

_ We never know how it starts and if it ends, whether it’s fate or chance, and to which end of the universe it will take us. _

It was early April, nights turning from crisp to pleasantly fresh, and sakuras, miraculously untouched by the war, blooming all over Edo.

_ I wish you were here to see them with me._

* * *

_We do not choose who we love. _

Toshirou stared at the field before him, his eyes glassy and his calves quivering.

He was splattered with blood all over, and it was running over his face, annoyingly interfering with his sight. But it hasn’t ended yet, no, it wasn’t over yet.

_ If there was still a single thing I could do… _

He set off across this land of death, his sword raised, screaming desperately.

_ I am here with you, until the end. _


	2. Of Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata lost. Sure, the battle ended in their victory, the Amanto ran with tails between their legs, and Edo was saved.  
But he lost.

‘You won’t cry for me, will you?’ Sougo spoke, smiling weakly. Hijikata shook his head.

‘For you? Not one drop, idiot,’ he managed, though his voice was about to break. Sougo was drowsy already, and he probably could not hear that.

‘Hijikata-san… I’m cold,’ the young man whispered. Hijikata took off his jacket and put it on Sougo’s shoulders, then switched his legs and pulled him closer to his chest.

His throat itched.

‘I’m sorry, Hijikata-san… I’m wasting your time here.’

‘Mhm. It’s nothing. It’s all over… We won, after all.’

‘Oh, so I did good?’

‘Yes. Just don’t go bragging all over hell.’

He snorted.

‘Take care of Kondou-san for me, will you?’

‘Don’t waste your breath. Dropping off your job on me, as if I had nothing to do…’

Sougo snorted. He opened one eye and looked up, and astounded he saw Hijikata sitting with his eyes closed, tears running down his face.

‘Hijikata-san… You’re a wuss.’

‘Babble all you want, Sougo, you’ve always been an annoying little brat, I’m used to it. Rest now… So you can get back to work soon.’

‘Roger that, vice-chief. See you…’ he said, and quiet as a summer breeze, the last breath left him, and his hands dropped to the ground.

‘See you… soon,’ Hijikata managed, and his voice broke into a quiet wail, as he pressed Sougo’s body to his chest as tight as he could.

This boy he watched grow from a nasty kid to an annoying brat to a powerful and reliable captain of the first squad, his little brother, his little boy…

It couldn’t be, it just couldn’t.

***

Roaring, Toshirou set his shoulder into the pile of bodies and pushed it with all his strength. The corpses tumbled over, he slipped and fell to the ground, but quickly got on his hands and crept towards Yamazaki. The inspector’s legs were still under the weight, so Hijikata strained and pulled him by the armpits.

_ Please, please don’t make them bury anyone else, please… _

His heart was already numb. 

‘Yamazaki,’ he called, ‘Yamazaki, can you hear me?’

‘Vice-chief…’ The inspector moaned and opened one eye, and Hijikata felt his heart skip a beat. He pulled him closer and hastily hugged him, feeling his eyes itch.

‘Vi- Vice-chief?’

‘Yamazaki, are you okay? Are you wounded?’ He pulled away and looked over Yamazaki’s body. The inspector shook his head.

‘I think I got hit on my head and passed out. I… I don’t remember much…’

Hijikata checked on Yamazaki’s head. Indeed, there was a large bruise on the back of his scalp, but there did not seem to be any more serious wounds. Hijikata sighed, still holding Yamazaki’s shoulder.

‘Not too bad,’ he mumbled.

‘Vice-chief… Are you okay?’ Yamazaki could see blood all over his vice-chief’s face and body, and his clothes were ripped apart, but he did not look hurt, actually.

‘What? No, no, I am fine. How are you feeling? Come, let’s get a doctor to look at you, and then, if you’re alright, I’ll need your help.’

‘Yes… Vice-chief… the battle?’

‘It’s over. We won,’ Hijikata replied curtly and smiled, and Yamazaki felt tears rise to his throat.

It was the worst horrible smile he had ever seen, and it made his heart break.

***

‘Shin-chan, China… I’m glad you guys are okay. I heard the Boss was hurt, so we were worried…’

‘Gin-san is at the hospital. He hasn’t woken up yet, but doctors said he should be okay…’

‘That’s great news! You should go to him. And get some rest too…’

‘Yes! Thank you, chief!’

Hijikata was resting against a wall nearby, he was reading something on a pad.

‘Kondou-san,’ he called quietly. ‘Tell them.’

Kondou looked over his shoulder. ‘Toshi… Are you sure..?’

‘They should know.’

‘What are you talking about? Kondou-san, Hijikata-san?’

‘Toshi’s right… You should know. Follow me, guys.’

Heavily dragging his feet he walked across the street where several troops were working on moving the dead.

‘So many…’ Shinpachi mused. ‘So many died…’

Kondou only nodded. He led them down one row of bodies covered with white sheets, and squatted by one of them. Both Kagura and Shinpachi froze in waiting.

Kondou uncovered the body. It was Okita.

Kagura squeaked and covered her mouth.

‘Okita-san? That’s impossible!’ Shinpachi mumbled. ‘What happened?’

‘He saved us, all of us.’ Kondou’s voice was shaking.

‘Idiot! Moron! Dumbass idiot!’ Kagura screamed. A waterfall of tears gushed down her cheeks.

‘Kagura-chan, wait-’

She spun on her heel and ran off, along the lines of bodies, across the street, almost tumbling over potholes and rubble, all the while yelling and clenching her fists so hard her nails cut into her skin-

_ Sougo, Sougo, Sougo- _

_ How could that happen, he was so strong, stronger than anyone, they haven’t even settled their score yet, how could he- _

‘China!’

She turned. Toshirou was standing by the side of the street.

His face and sunken shoulders told her more than a thousand words.

‘Toshi!’ She cried out and plunged towards him, and ran into his stomach sobbing heartily. He embraced her.

‘I’m sorry, Kagura-chan. It should’ve been me, not him. I’m sorry.’

‘N-n-n-o…’ she moaned. ‘Not Sougo, not Toshi, not Gin-chan… Why did it have to be anyone at all!’

He rubbed her shoulders. Yes, Universe, why.

* * *

Gintoki opened his eyes; they were itchy and heavy.

He was lying on a bed in a room with a white ceiling. A hospital, probably… He looked around. Indeed, there were white screens around his bed, a white cabinet with a basin of water next to his head, and Kagura and Shinpachi sitting on opposite sides of the bed, both sleeping with their heads rested on his hands.

They felt warm…

Gintoki smiled. ‘Survived again, huh,’ he muttered. ‘Thank you, guys.’

‘Gin-san..?’ Shinpachi looked at him still drowsy.

‘Morning, Shinpachi.’

‘Gin-san!’ The boy yelled and jumped from his place to hug him. That woke Kagura, who also sprang up.

‘Gin-chan, Gin-chan!’ She laughed and hung on his neck.

‘Hey, guys.’

They had band-aids on their faces and some bandaged spots, but other than that they looked rather well. Gintoki sighed with relief.

Shinpachi described him the end of the battle and how the aliens dropped their weapons and retreated, and how the Kabukichou was already almost restored thanks to their Army. The Central district, on the other hand, was still a mess, but civilian casualties had been minimum.

So they made it. Utsuro escaped, but that was no surprise. He had learned to take what he could get.

Gosh, now that he woke up, they were too loud and energetic for his liking.

‘What’s that on your neck?’ Gintoki asked. Kagura looked down. Her lip twitched.

‘Gin-chan…’ She managed. He saw tears rising in her eyes.

It was Okita’s sleeping mask, he knew. He quickly glanced at Shinpachi, who stared at his hands.

His gut dropped. He _knew _even before they spoke… 

‘Okita-san was… Gin-san…’ Shinpachi stuttered.

He understood. He let out a deep sigh from the bottom of his soul.

Kagura started sobbing even louder and fell on Gintoki’s stomach.

‘What about the others? Gorilla? Mayo?’

‘They are okay.’

Gintoki lowered his face.

This was good news… But he could imagine not everyone felt that way.

***

‘Gin-san, are you sure you should be walking around?’ Shinpachi complained.

‘Yes, yes, I told you I’m alright. Gin-san needs to stretch a little! I won’t overdo it, don’t worry, I’m too lazy for that.’

‘Gin-san… At least don’t leave the hospital grounds. They don’t have people to spare to go looking for you.’

‘Yes, yes, yes. Don’t nag me, Patsuan.’

He staggered down the stairs and went outside. It was almost midday, pleasant heat seeping into his bones as soon as he stepped out of shadows. In fact, he still felt somewhat tired… But there was something he wanted to check. There were many people coming and going in the hospital, but no one he knew. When asked about the end of the battle, Shinpachi and Kagura said they won, but also quickly switched topics. They did not want to worry him… So he had to find out, what was it they did not want to worry him about.

He left the hospital grounds and rattled with his crutch down the street in the direction of the terminal.

It took him two hours to get there on foot, but the city was rather empty, and except for police and ambulance vehicles passing back and forth, there was not much movement.

The territory of the terminal was a wasteland. The ground was ploughed and full of holes left by explosions. Any buildings that have been around, have been turned into rubble or even smithereens.

And there was that strong smell. Gintoki couldn’t quite place it yet, but he knew it was familiar. He didn’t like it.

In the distance, he noticed a group familiar black uniforms scurrying about, and made his way towards them. They were a small group, but even from afar he could recognise one back among others.

_ Wait, really..? _

When they saw him, they waved.

‘Boss, Boss!’ Yamazaki called, ran up to him and helped him walk across a cluster of potholes. ‘It’s so good to see you, Boss!’

‘Oh, it’s you, Jimmy. Same here.’

‘Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?’ Hijikata snapped at him without turning. ‘With injuries like yours, this is no place for you.’

‘Oy oy, at once with your complaining. Couldn’t you at least show some happiness that your beloved friend Gin-san is alive and well and came to see you, you-’

He shut up after noticing Yamazaki’s face turn ghostly pale. Maybe he was imagining things… Hijikata turned to look at him. Both he and Yamazaki looked pale and had black bags under their eyes.

_ He was smiling_.

And it wasn’t the wry sarcastic grin he would always don whenever they met, the one that portrayed irritation above anything else. It looked sincere… And in that, it looked fake.

‘You’re right, I’m sorry,’ Hijikata said, and Gintoki stared even harder, ‘it _is _good to see you alive, welcome back. Don’t overdo it, though, this place is still unsafe.’

Gintoki stood there with his jaw dropped and his eyes on his forehead.

A phone rang.

‘Excuse me,’ Hijikata said and walked away to pick it up. ‘It's me. Yes, I'm listening...’

‘Oy, Jimmy…’ Gintoki watched his back. ‘What the hell’s wrong with that bastard? What the hell’s that creepy smile? It’s scary. Scarier than his usual yelling. Why doesn’t he yell?’

Yamazaki smiled, but it was a very very sad smile.

‘Vice-chief hasn’t yelled ever since the battle,’ he said. ‘It’s out of character for him, but who knows, maybe it’s a change for the better…’

‘Is that so… So, what?’

‘We took a beating-’

‘Yamazaki!’ Hijikata called calmly, without raising his voice.

‘Oops, there I go again. See you later, Boss, get well soon!’

‘Yamazaki, take this and bring it to the north unit. See if they need anything. Also, on your way back, check on squad six.’

‘Roger that, vice-chief, right away!’

Hijikata returned to stand with Gintoki, who decided to refrain from snarky comments. The vice-chief looked extremely tired.

‘How’s it going?’ Gintoki asked. Hijikata wrote something down in his notebook.

‘We’re a little short-handed, but we’re managing,’ he replied absent-mindedly. ‘Now everyone’s working to restore the roads and communications between the parts of the city which were cut off during the attack. Most citizens are still evacuated and in shelters, but some are coming back and helping out. Your kids were also a big help, I’m constantly in need of couriers.’

‘Oh, is that so…’

They stood quiet for a while.

‘I heard about the sadist,’ Gintoki mumbled. With a corner of his eye, he saw Hijikata’s hand stop midway to his mouth… But immediately it passed, and he drew on a cigarette.

‘Yes, well. He was always reckless, first on the frontline. Probably got tangled up in some berserk fight and got to play a hero once. Saved us all… The good die young, isn’t that what they say..? Only he wasn’t that good.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Mhm. Yes, it’s a sad thing.’

Hijikata did not look sad. If nothing else, he sounded absolutely indifferent.

The phone rang again. Hijikata did not walk off anymore.

‘It's me. What is it? … What about it? Isn’t there anyone else to run through it? … I know it was Inoue’s job, well, Inoue’s not here anymore, so find someone to look at it now … I know _ that _ too.’ Hijikata quieted down and Gintoki heard him sigh. ‘Yes, whatever, bring them to my room. … Yes, yes, it’s okay, I’ll look at it tonight. Just don’t mix it up with the equipment inventories and condolence letters, put it somewhere on the left side when you get back. … Yes, thanks. Anything else? … How so? … Okay, remind me, how many men Harada still has?’ He went silent again and chuckled under his breath. ‘Of course send them to the barracks. Three men ain’t gonna make a difference. Tell them to rest and they’ll start their shift in the morning again. … Good work, Todo, keep me updated.’

He hung up.

Gintoki stared at Hijikata feeling his insides freeze. Thoughts and words ran across his mind in shambles, piecing together…

_ Gin-san, Okita-san was killed. _

_ We’re a little short-handed- _

_ Inoue’s not here anymore- _

_ How many men Harada still has? _

_ Three ain’t gonna make a difference. _

_ We took a beating- _

‘Oy, Hijikata,’ he asked carefully, ‘how many men did you lose?’

Hijikata glanced at him. He lit up another cigarette.

‘Three quarters, maybe?’ He replied simply, his voice even and nonchalant. ‘Counting both our men and the Mimawarigumi, there were close to a hundred dead, almost double that in critical condition. There are quite a few still unaccounted for in this mess. The rest with medium to mild injuries, so anyone who can stand is working.’

‘Gorilla?’

‘Kondou-san is alive. He was wounded, but it should be okay. He works from the headquarters now.’

They stood silent again for a while.

‘What happened?’ Gin asked. ‘When I was still here, even the Kabukichou army were doing alright. I thought, with Shinsengumi showing up, we were gonna win easily.’

‘We won, didn’t we?’

‘Yes, but…’

‘Incidentally, when we charged, they pulled out the big guns. We were probably a threat…’

‘Why didn’t your men retreat?’

Hijikata smiled again. ‘Because I ordered it.’

‘What?!’

‘I commanded them to hold the line. It was us or the Kabukichou Army… And I made that decision. The Shinsengumi did not budge, not until all those people retreated. We did our job. Only I miscalculated our strength… I thought we’d do better, but we were massacred. If it hadn’t been for Sougo’s sacrifice, even more would’ve been killed… So there you have it. Out of two hundred troops, I’ve got fifty wounded men left. Some vice-chief, aren’t I…’

There was so much scorn in his voice, but Gintoki knew it wasn’t directed at anyone else but himself.

‘I just wish I had been there on the front lines and gone down with them.’

The phone rang again and Hijikata moaned wearily. He looked at the caller’s ID.

‘This one’s going to take a while, so I’m going. You should also leave, this place is dangerous. I’m not lying, it _was _good to see you. Get well soon. Edo will need you again, Yorozuya.’

Heavily he trod across the terrain, putting the phone to his ear and pulling out his notebook.

‘Hijikata Toshirou. Yes, I'm listening…’

Finally he realized. It’s not that Hijikata was cynical or indifferent to the death of his comrades, he couldn’t be. It was just… Probably, if he let his voice come out even a little, he would scream until the world ended.

And finally, Gintoki was able to identify that stench… It had come to him from the Joui war. After a battle, even after all the bodies were buried, the smell would remain, still, for days… The sweet nauseating smell of rotting remnants of blood.

His body suddenly felt heavier than after having woken from the coma. He wanted to collapse, to touch the ground where those brave men had stood… Okita’s wry grin appeared in his mind, followed by Hijikata’s sunken shoulders.

Edo was saved. Edo was saved. Edo was saved.

Gintoki leaned over his crutch and hid his eyes in his palm.

* * *

The urn was placed on the table in Sougo’s room together with his photograph. Kondou was lighting up candles and incense.

The room was almost empty, already cleaned out. Toshirou heard Kondou did it himself… But he could not bring himself to help out here.

He had been working non-stop, just so he wouldn’t have to come here.

Hijikata turned Sougo’s blindfold in his hands, staring at the photograph.

‘It’s not a very real photo,’ he mused. The photo showed Okita posing seriously, his eyes clear, his back straight and his chest lifted. ‘He never looked like that.’

Kondou smiled. He lit up the last candle and knelt on the ground before the makeshift altar.

‘I still can’t believe it…’ He said. Toshirou put the blindfold on the table next to the photo. ‘Oh, you can take it as a memento if you’d like…’ 

Hijikata shook his head and walked to the engawa, where he lit up a cigarette.

‘Toshi!’ Kondou turned to him. ‘Won’t you stay for the vigil?’

‘Sorry, Kondou-san,’ Hijikata replied quietly, ‘I still have work to do, but I’m going for a walk first.’

He stepped outside.

‘You’ll catch a cold in this downpour! At least take an umbrella!’ Kondou called behind his back.

Toshirou looked over his shoulder smiling, raindrops already running down his face.

‘What downpour?’ He mused, looking up at the sky. ‘Looks like a perfectly clear day to me…’

‘Toshi…’

Kondou followed his back disappearing in the grey. The rain was miserable.

Hijikata did not show up at the cemetery the next day when they put Sougo’s ashes underground… And he did not return to the headquarters.

***

‘You look like shit,’ Kagura stated. Toshirou opened one eye and looked up.

‘Oh, it’s you, China. Scram…’

‘You smell like shit, too.’ She continued nonchalantly.

He was sprawled next to a pile of trash bags under the bridge. Could not really remember how he got here… Probably decided to hide from the rain. Good judgment, Toshi…

‘You can get lost if you don’t like it.’

‘I can’t. I’m walking Sadaharu, and he wants to play here.’

Indeed, the giant white creature was digging the sand several yards off.

‘What an ugly mutt,’ Toshirou commented, and the dog growled at him. ‘I know, I know, I’m ugly too. Leave me alone…’

He sat up. There were several bottles piled at his feet, he kicked them. One of them proved to be only half empty. Toshirou grabbed it by the neck and took a long gulp, then sagged against the trash pile again. Boy his head was spinning...

‘They are looking for you, you know,’ Kagura said. She squatted under the bridge and started drawing in the sand with a stick.

‘Not doing a very good job then. Shouldn’t be this hard, locating one drunk asshole.’

‘Watch your language with children.’

They glared at each other, and Hijikata snorted.

‘You haven’t been at the funeral yesterday. Gorilla was sad.’

‘Is that so…’

‘Why?’

‘Who knows? Din’t feel like it. What does it matter? He’s not there.’

‘Who?’

‘Sougo. He’s not in that urn, not in that grave and nowhere else…’

‘Where is he, then?’

‘Hell,’ Toshirou replied sulkily. ‘We’re all going there.’

‘Me too?’

‘You? Well, maybe not. You should try heaven. Heard it’s an okay place.’

‘Will you go to heaven?’

Hijikata stared at her. ‘You crazy? I got my ticket reserved for hell since forever ago. No, I’m gonna go meet Sougo there…’

She scratched her head. ‘Okay, I decided too. Gin-chan’s definitely not going to heaven either… I’m gonna go to hell too. It sounds like a fun place with all of you.’

Hijikata scoffed.

‘Go home, China. You got cold and your brain froze.’

‘I’m not cold. Don’t tell me what to do.’

‘Oh?’

He saw she was shivering. Even with the umbrella, she probably got drenched in the rain, and the wind was harsh, too…

Toshirou rose from the ground, took off his coat and tossed it over her shoulders.

‘Keep this spot for me, will you? I’m gonna look for more booze. Be right back.’

Kagura looked up at him.

‘Okay,’ she replied.

He returned in less than an hour, but already found Sadaharu coiled on the ground under the bridge, and Kagura sleeping next to it in the warmth of its fur, curled up under his coat.

‘Oy, China, you’re a nuisance,’ he grovelled at her, but she did not wake. The dog opened one eye. ‘You too, why din’t you bring her home, you damn mutt?’

He dropped to the ground before them and took another gulp of sake. He emptied half the bottle on the way already, and his head felt fuzzy.

Sadaharu whined quietly and nuzzled his leg. Toshirou carefully patted on its jaw, somehow evading his ominous fangs clasping on his hand.

‘Alright, alright,’ he groaned. ‘Let’s get you home.’

***

When Gintoki opened the door, Sadaharu stormed inside and shook violently, leaving him soaked in a typhoon from its fur. He rolled his eyes and returned to close the door.

‘What the-?’

Hijikata was standing outside. He had Kagura’s umbrella in his hand, and the girl herself was riding on his back, covered with a grey coat.

‘You shouldn’t let your children wander around alone at night,’ Hijikata grumbled. Gintoki glared at him. There was a strong smell of alcohol to him, he was thoroughly wet and walked staggering.

He went into the living room and laid Kagura on the couch. He wanted to take his coat off her, but she was wrapped up tight and clinging onto the collar and did not let go, so he just sighed very quietly and turned to leave.

‘Where do you think you’re going?’ Gintoki snapped.

‘I only brought her, I don’t mean to get in your way.’

‘What are you talking about?! Where the fuck will you go?! The headquarters? Don’t lie, you haven’t been there since two nights ago, gorilla already called looking for you. You won’t go there… I know you can’t. You haven’t even been to the funeral yesterday!’

Hijikata turned at him furiously.

‘Why does everyone have to remind me of the fucking funeral?! I didn’t want to see it, okay? I couldn’t! How many times do you think I _ can _say goodbye to that bastard?! Once is one too many!’

He really was very drunk; Gintoki could not imagine Hijikata letting his feelings slip like that while sober.

‘Okay, okay,’ he raised his hands defensively. ‘I’m sorry. It’s not what I meant. It’s, well… Where _are _you gonna go? Drop into a ditch somewhere? Sleep at the door of some bar? Don’t be a nuisance. You’re soaked, cold and drunk. We have a spare couch. Get down and go to sleep.’

‘I wouldn’t-’

‘Don’t argue with me or I’ll punch you.’

Hijikata said nothing more and stepped towards the door, Gintoki barged into the hallway and grabbed his wrist. Only then he noticed his hands - they were dirty and red, knuckles bruised and spotted with dried blood.

‘The fuck did you do?’

‘It’s nothing, leave me alone…’

‘Shut up. Come.’

Gintoki dragged him into the kitchen pushed him towards the sink.

‘Wash your hands.’

Hijikata finally obeyed, turned the faucet and put his hands under the stream. He was probably too tired to argue any longer, and the water seemed to calm him. Gintoki took a small towel and dried his hands, then pushed him to sit down on the ground and picked up a med kit. Hijikata did not resist anymore, as Gintoki took his hands, first cleaned the bruises with alcohol (Hijikata did not even twitch), then carefully wrapped both hands in bandages.

All the while Hijikata sat silent, staring at the ground before himself. When Gintoki finished, he remained to sit with his hands still raised.

‘Thank you,’ he said, but his voice was hollow. Gintoki put a towel on his head and took a handful of candies from his pocket.

‘Here, have a bonbon. Wait here, I’ll get you a change of clothes.’

When Gin returned, Hijikata was resting against the cupboard and swaying back and forth, hiding his face in his hands.

‘Oy… Don’t you sleep here.’

‘I’m not sleeping, you moron…’ Hijikata looked up at him. His eyes were red. His head was spinning, alcohol and the sudden warmth weighed him down, and something in his chest ached so bad, so, so bad... ‘You, can you tell me, what am I to do? I let him die… I let so many die… It was all my fault… What should I do? I drank the liquor store to try and get a minute’s sleep, but it didn’t work, you know? Not for one moment could I forget..! How do I live with myself..?’

Gintoki squatted before him and looked Toshirou’s face. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, his hands shook violently and his face was flushed pathetically, his lips pouted and trembling, his skin pale and bloated from alcohol and sobbing. That man _never let _anyone see his face like this… No matter how miserable and undignified he looked, to Gintoki it was something out of this world, something impossible, and very, very precious.

‘What do I do, Gin-san?’ Hijikata repeated, but his voice broke. Gintoki felt a current run up his spine, even. It was the first time Hijikata ever called him by his first name.

He slowly put his hand on Toshirou’s shoulder just beside his neck, calmingly stroking his skin with his thumb, and leaned forward, until their brows touched. Hijikata was now pressing his hands to his mouth, as if trying to stop the rising wail.

_If there was any way to take that pain from you_

‘I’m sorry… I’m really no good with questions like these… ’ Gin said quietly, gently stroking his neck. ‘Just live on, that’s all. For Okita, for each one of them. Remember everyone. Live on and make it worthwhile, live for all of them too. That’s about all you can do… It’s okay to cry for them, too, until your heart can rest. Forget that I’m here...’

Hijikata only murmured something incoherently, swayed forward and pressed his face against Gin’s shoulder to muffle his voice. Astonished, Gintoki dropped on his ass, but quickly shifted in his spot, and his arms moved by themselves – he embraced him tightly.

They sat quietly for a while, Hijikata’s shoulders only shaking a little. But then Gintoki realized the vice-chief had fallen asleep.

‘Moron!’ Gintoki growled and swore to himself. Hijikata laid peacefully against his shoulder, tears drying on his face and his cheeks red. 

But his kimono was still soaked through and through, and his skin was ice-cold, and Gin still had to get him onto the living room couch.

He pulled the clothes from Hijikata’s shoulders; the vice-chief grumbled but did not wake. Gintoki ran his hand down Hijikata’s back and sighed - it was scarred all over, much like his own. His chest and abdomen were the same; his bulging muscles were decorated with white and pink lines and spots and gnarls.

But he knew, oh, he knew… Hijikata would’ve taken a hundred more scars like this, if only it could replace the pain that was now writhing in his heart.

Gintoki pulled a long shirt over Hijikata’s head and dressed him, then raised him on his back and dragged him into the living room. He was passed out cold.

Kagura was already snoring cosily, but she still did not let go of Hijikata’s coat, and Gintoki carried her and laid her into her bed in the closet with it. He then returned to the kitchen and went to hang Hijikata’s kimono to dry. Finally, he brought a blanket for Hijikata, covered him and sat down on the table in front of the couch.

Gintoki watched his face for a little while; his skin was pale, grey around the eyes and red on the cheeks, but the wrinkles of tension on his brow finally seemed to be evening. Gin leaned and lightly brushed his hair and the side of his cheek, carefully wiping the dried tears. Something rolled in his stomach, something… He remembered Hijikata’s shivering body pressed to his chest and the smell of his wet hair…

Gintoki leaned and pecked on his temple, then stood up and went to sleep.

***

Gintoki emerged from his room groaning. It was almost noon already; Hijikata was not here anymore, and instead there was Shinpachi and Kagura sitting on the couches in the living room with cups of tea in their hands. They both looked somewhat down.

‘Good morning, Gin-san,’ Shinpachi greeted him.

‘What’s with the gloomy faces so early in the morning, huh?’

‘Gin-chan,’ Kagura looked up at him. She was sitting with Hijikata’s coat still over her shoulders. She pointed at an envelope on the table. Gintoki opened it; there were maybe two hundred thousand yen inside.

‘What’s this? We got a job or what?’

Shinpachi shook his head.

‘There’s a note.’

Gintoki pulled it out and unfolded the paper.

_Yorozuya, there aren’t enough words for my gratitude, for all you’ve done for me. I wish I were able to return that kindness you guys showed to me, but there’s only so much someone like me can do. _

_ I’d rather let you have all my money than waste it on alcohol. Maybe you can use it to save someone who deserve it. _

_ I’m forever in your debt. _

_ Hijikata _

Gintoki slammed the envelope on the table and, saying nothing, staggered off to the bathroom.

‘What happened, Gin-san?’ Shinpachi asked, when he returned, already dressed. ‘Kagura said this was Hijikata-san’s coat, and this… Was Hijikata-san here? Kondou-san asked to let him know if we find him...’

‘He was here last night. But as you can see, he’s not here anymore, and I don’t know where he slunk off to. Not that I care. If he has nowhere to put his fucking money, I’ll take it. Check if we need anything. I’m going out for a few matches of pachinko.’

***

When he was heading home, Gintoki was furiously kicking rocks in his path. He was enraged. That idiot Hijikata..! Did he really think any of that was about money..? Did he really believe that money _meant_ _anything_?

After last night, after he got to see _that face, _to hold something so precious…

_ Money?! _

The banners at the Shinsengumi headquarters were still at half-mast.

_ Wait, how did he end up coming here..? _

But since he was here anyway… He stormed into the yard past puzzled guards.

‘Is he here?!’ He yelled. ‘Where is the fucking Mayo?’

‘Master!’ Yamazaki was quick to show up. ‘If you’re looking for vice-chief, he’s not here anymore…’

‘Where did he go? He fucking left something at my place, and I’m gonna fucking ram it up his damn arrogant ass!’ Gintoki waved his fist, but quickly noticed how officers around him turned gloomy.

‘Yorozuya, will you come with me for a minute?’ Kondou showed up from behind the corner. He was resting on a crutch and his brow was bandaged, too. Gintoki followed him.

‘What is it, gorilla? Where’s that idiot?’

‘I don’t know. Come, Yorozuya,’ they entered Kondou’s chamber and both sat down. Kondou passed him a piece of paper. ‘He must’ve been around before dawn… Even the guards didn’t see him come and go. But some of his personal things are gone, he left his sword and he left this on my table.’

‘It’s an application for vacation.’

‘Mhm. It seems he left… It is the vice-chief who gives permits for vacations, so technically he could do this. Only he did not give us the date for when he will be coming back, see… He also left a ton of money. And I don’t know where he went.’

‘He’s an idiot.’

Kondou shook his head.

‘He just could not bear it anymore. And I wasn’t there for him at all.’

‘Gorilla…’

‘Toshi is the strongest, fiercest, most loyal of us all. And he always bore everything alone. All my mistakes and incompetence, all of Sougo’s fights and stubbornness, all our work, and the responsibility for every single one of the Shinsengumi. He never complained and somehow we took it for granted, just how much he did. He could never rely on me, not completely - he only ever relied on Sougo. And with him gone... I broke down again,' he smiled weakly, and quickly rubbed his eyes, 'and through my own grief, I did not see just how devastated he was. I selfishly thought he would pull us through this nightmare. But this time his pain too was great... Sougo was like a little brother to him, as much as to me. He could not bear his death alone anymore, and none of us came through to take at least some of that burden from him. He held out as long as he could, and now he’s gone.’

Gintoki stared at the ground before himself, his face indifferent, but his insides burning and turning upside down.

‘He will come back to you guys. There’s nothing he cares for more than you damn Shinsengumi.’

‘I pray for that… I wish I could find him and tell him I’m sorry. Tell him it’s not his fault, not just his responsibility. But he won’t hear me anymore… And I’m afraid for him. I’m afraid he’ll go and do something stupid.’

‘Gorilla, you don’t mean..?’

‘He was _pretty strict _on everyone else when it came to adhering to Kyokuchuu Hatto and seppuku. But he was always even stricter on himself…’

_ How do I live with myself..?_

* * *

‘Excuse me… I’m looking for Hijikata residence.’

‘Oh? What for?’ The woman asked.

‘Well, I’m Yorozuya from Edo, and I was asked to deliver a package…’

‘Really? There’s no one in Edo I know, who could be sending this?’

Gintoki’s face turned visibly blue.

‘Oh. So you are. Hijikata-sama,’ he managed. 

‘Where is my package, young man?’ The woman smiled cleverly.

‘Ah, well, you see, ma'am, the truth is-’

‘You’re looking for _ him_.’

Gintoki coughed guiltily.

‘You got me, ma'am.’

‘Are you a friend of his?’

‘No, no, no way,’ Gintoki waved his hands nervously. ‘But _ I am _Yorozuya, and I was asked to find him. So… is he here?’

‘I don’t know who you’re talking about, young man. Maybe you should ask at the next farm up the mountain. Be sure to take the road by the north-east fields at noon though.’

Gintoki thanked her and climbed back on his scooter.

***

Gintoki saw Hijikata’s face change before his eyes, shadows of both astonishment and fright crossing it.

‘Yorozuya,’ he said quietly, ‘what… how… why are you here?’

‘Had a job in the area, thought I’d drop by.’

‘How did you know I was here?’

‘I didn’t. But, you know, I’m Odd-Jobs. Getting things done or finding lost puppies is no big deal for me. This is the place of your brother’s family, isn’t it?’

‘True. Well, this is a surprise,’ Hijikata’s face finally regained composure. He pointed at the spot beside him. ‘I’m having a break now, care to join? Sorry, I only have water and plain rice. But I can share some mayonnaise.’

‘No, thanks, I’ll do without dog food,’ Gintoki rolled his eyes and sat down on the grass. Hijikata grinned and passed him a flask of water.

The weather was beautiful. The sun was scorching hot, but here, in the shade of an old apple tree, the heat was pleasant, and a light breeze whispered in the branches above their heads.

Hijikata was wearing plain linen peasant’s clothes, all dirty and dusty from the work in the fields. His legs were muddy up to his knees. Gintoki saw dark lines of tan on his neck and arms.

‘How’s everything in Edo?’ He asked casually, munching on the rice with mayo.

‘Normal.’

‘Huh? That’s all? No new alien massacres?’

The sarcasm in his voice…

‘No. Just every day…’

‘Glad to hear it. I read there was an upsurge in Joui activities, but haven’t caught up if there had been any worse terrorist attacks.’

‘Not that I heard of.’

‘The men are doing a good job, then. I knew it.’

Gintoki looked thoroughly at his profile. His face was still pale under the tan, and there were large dark bags under his eyes.

‘So, what are you doing here..?’ He asked, somewhat irritated. Hijikata looked up at him.

‘Just what it looks like. My brother’s family runs a rice farm, and with the harvest season coming up, they needed more hands.’

Gintoki’s fists locked tight.

‘Ah, that's what? I thought I had a heatstroke and was seeing things, but it’s you who’s gone crazy. What are _you _doing?!’ He growled. ‘What _the hell _are you doing?! Your job is back in Edo, your people are back in Edo, you’ve been gone for two months without even a word, they’re all worried.’

‘Oh, so it was Kondou-san who put you up to this?’

Gintoki stared at the field.

‘Yeah, gorilla did.’

‘I see. What a waste of public resources.’

‘Well, he would’ve called, but you _ left your damn phone_.’

‘Maybe you all should’ve taken a hint..?’

Hijikata put down his empty bowl and took a cigarette in his mouth, patted on his pockets, took out a box of matches, lit the cigarette up and drew long on the smoke. He shook the match and looked up at the sky somewhat wistfully.

‘Have you met them? The Shinsengumi, Kondou-san..? How have they been?’

‘Why don’t you go and ask them yourself!’ Gintoki growled. ‘They’re managing, of course. What else could they do…’

He smiled. ‘As I knew they would. There are still many good officers left among them… They might even do better without me.’

‘Nonsense. Without you and the damn sadist, how much do you think the gorilla has to work to deal with everything?’

Hijikata lowered his eyes guiltily.

‘I know,’ he mumbled. ‘But I would be of no use to him as I am now.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Because I’m not competent enough to be his vice-chief. Todo-san is doing much better in my place.’

‘Didn’t know you were such a whiner. Battering yourself over _that one time_? Sure, a lot of good men died, but you should’ve been prepared for that! It was their job. And with all that, you saved Edo! What you’re doing here… You, the mighty Demon Vice-chief, _ you’re just running_.’

Hijikata looked hastily at Gintoki and grimaced.

‘Wasn’t that obvious from the start?’ He muttered. ‘I made a grave mistake. I made a misguided decision, and it cost more than I could justify. It cost me a life of someone I had to protect. All those people who died, it’s all on me, my bad decisions. I was not competent enough to lead them… The Shinsengumi are never going to risk their lives because of me again. Not you, too. I couldn’t be a policeman… If I’m at least good enough to swing a hoe, this is the place for me.’ He dropped the butt of his cigarette and crushed it with his sole, then slowly stood up and patted his palms on his pants. ‘Thank you for dropping by, Yorozuya. Pass my regards to Shinpachi-kun and Kagura, and Kondou-san if you see him. It’s time for me to get back to work.’

He turned and walked back into the rice field.

Gintoki felt his hand twitching involuntarily as if trying to catch him, his heart in cramps. What could he say to stop that man from going away, what could he _possibly _say..?

‘Hey!’ He called after his back, standing up. Hijikata stopped for a moment and looked over his shoulder, smiling gently, but his face was in the shadow of his hat. ‘But you _will _return, won’t you? After the harvest season is over, right? You still owe me, you bastard!’

He only waved, then put on his hat and continued along the furrows, waddling through water up to his calves.

Gintoki remained to stand by the tree, taken aback and somewhat aching.

He had not dared to say it out loud… But the thought ate at him. Was it really all you cared about, you bastard..? Just Sougo? We know you’re in pain, we all are, but was that _all?!_ What about, what about…

Us..?


	3. Of Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata left Edo months ago with no intention of returning.  
Gintoki isn't sure he has what it takes to make him come back, and why would he care? Well, if it's a job...

He parked his scooter next to the gate and got off, and looked over the yard resting on the small fence that surrounded it.

It's been seven months since he last visited Bushuu and found Hijikata here. Winter came and went, and spring was in full throttle... _Another _harvest season will roll over, and Edo still had not heard a single word from him. Maybe he had been right, maybe they all should've taken the hint...

He was in the area, that's all.

An older woman was working in the flower garden by the house, picking weeds from the bed of morning-glories. Gintoki remembered her from last time, the wife of Hijikata's brother. He wondered if he should holler to get her attention, but she noticed him before he would.

She made her way to the fence.

'Ah, Yorozuya,' she said, smirking cleverly, recognizing him. 'I am still waiting for that package of mine.'

Gintoki rubbed the back of his neck. 'Must've mixed up the addresses.'

She smiled and opened the gate. 'Come on in.'

Gintoki followed her across the yard and to the rear side of the house. Three kids were running around a beautifully-kept garden and the house itself showed no wear, probably repainted and roof replaced just recently.

'Mhm,' the woman mumbled, following his look. 'He did not have much to do here during winter.'

She led him to another fence at the other end of the backyard and opened a small gate. Behind it, a small beaten path led uphill into the woods.

'You should find him in the forest. I hope you can convince him to come down and get out of here.'

'Why? Is he a bother?'

‘No, not at all... The kids like him, and he appears happy,’ she said, looking down, ‘but I can see this isn’t his place. It wears him down, just being here. Every night he disappears into the woods. He then comes in late at night and drinks himself to sleep. He doesn't talk about it, and I’m afraid to even think what horrors he left behind if he’d rather stay here than return there.’

‘He’s just a coward,’ Gintoki snapped. ‘Abandoning his position like that…’

But it was not true and it made his heart sting just a little, realizing just how much pain Hijikata was in, that he would rather choose a life of absolute emptiness than see his friends losing their lives again.

***

‘So that’s where you’ve been,’ Gintoki emerged from the shadow of the woods. Shocked, Hijikata flashed his shinai at him, but Gintoki evaded, grinning. ‘Oy, oy, you’re not supposed to just attack people on sight.’

‘What are _ you _doing here?!’

Gintoki only shrugged. He wasn’t so sure himself.

Hijikata lowered his weapon. Apparently, he had been training deep in the forest, where no one would find him. The glade was secluded, grassy, there was a stream a couple of yards down and a large rock covered in vines hiding a narrow chasm where he kept his stuff.

‘How did you find me?’ He asked.

‘I went mushroom picking, and there was this horrible stench, decided to check it out, maybe there were mould mushrooms around here somewhere, that would fetch me a nice sum. But what do you know, the day’s full of disappointments.’

Hijikata glared at him.

‘It’s not the mushroom season.’ He stated. Gintoki made a face. ‘Fine, you stumbled over here. You can get lost now.’

‘Oy, no need to be so unfriendly. Gin-chan came to visit you again, you know.’

‘What for? I don’t want to see you.’

‘You’re a nasty man.’

‘And you’re an annoying cockroach. Scram.’

Gintoki ignored him.

‘So what are you doing here?’

‘You’re so stupid you can’t even figure that out?’

‘I thought you’re a farmer now. This does not look like a farmer training to me.’

Hijikata said nothing to that. Gintoki strolled into the glade and looked around; it was pretty run down, he was probably training here every night.

‘So the ronin in you ain’t going down easily.’

‘Ronin? I don’t want to be a ronin. I want to be a samurai worthy of serving my chief. I’m far from it yet… But I will get there.’

Gintoki stared at him. There was something in his voice… Only a hint, but it was there - a hint of resolution.

Of course… Kondou was worried, _ he _was worried… But this was Hijikata Toshirou they were talking about. There was _no way _he would be defeated by his sorrow. No matter how tough he had it… One day, he would stand tall again, one day…

Gintoki smiled and produced his bokuto.

‘Want to have a go against me?’ He asked casually. Hijikata looked up at him. ‘Don’t stare like that, it’s rude. Dummies are all good and well, but maybe you could use an opponent, you know. For a change. And I’m here anyway… Why not use this chance to find out once and for all, just how much better I am than you?’

Hijikata’s lip twitched.

‘Bring it on, bastard!’ He growled, and they crossed their weapons.

They were both completely spent. Hijikata succumbed on the bank of the rivulet and drowned his hands in the stream. Gintoki sagged in the grass. The glade was dark already; they had been at it for two hours maybe, and did not even notice how the night crept in.

‘Waaah,’ Gintoki grovelled. ‘I hate you. You made me work too hard. Damn you. You’re too intense.’

‘You were asking for it.’

Gintoki could only see the ember of the cigarette smouldering in Hijikata’s mouth. His muscles ached pleasantly, and sweat was turning cold on his back… Hijikata’s swordplay was rough and powerful, parrying and repelling his every blow felt like trying to fight an avalanche.

‘It was a good fight,’ he said, closing his eyes. Hijikata grumbled in agreement.

‘You’re probably too tired to ride home tonight. I will ask-’

‘Don’t sweat it,’ Gintoki sat up. ‘Even if you’re dropping dead, I’m still good to go!’

He saw Hijikata turn to him, but could not see his expression in the dark.

But there was something other than the weariness coiling inside him. The smell of the forest, the murmur of the stream, the shivers down his arms…

‘Say,’ he scratched the back of his neck. ‘Would you like to train like this again?’

He could feel Hijikata’s stare fixed on him.

‘It’s just a thought. You know. There isn’t much I can do… But, you’ve already paid me. I feel inclined to do at least some sort of job for you.’

‘I… what? I have not…’

‘Two hundred thousand yen isn’t going to buy you much, but you know, several lessons with Gintoki-sensei could be good for you.’

‘Two hundred thousand… You don’t mean that, do you? I was returning-’

‘I’m not taking it for anything else you think you owe me. Because you don’t, because _nothing _ I’ve done before was a job. It was just…’

The night was getting noticeably cold.

‘I’m going,’ he said standing up. Hijikata stood up too.

‘If you really don’t mind…’

‘I said it.’

‘Very well… Then… Then I would like you to come to help me train again.’

‘Sure. Yorozuya will take your job. Once a week here, how’s that? If I have anything better to do, I won’t be coming.’

Hijikata snorted. He collected his things and put them in the hole under the vines.

‘Agreed. Will you be able to find your way out of the forest?’

‘I’m a nature child, of course I will.’

‘Are you now. Well, if you don't get lost and die of starvation in here, I will see you.’

Gintoki smiled to himself

‘Yes, see you next week.’

***

‘Sakata-san,’ Akari smiled cheerfully, ‘I don’t know what you do, but keep doing it.’

‘Ah?’

‘Toshi-san seems to be getting better. Did you know? He stopped drinking!’

‘Really? Not that it’ll help him.’

‘Don’t say that, Sakata-san,’ she laughed. ‘Till next week!’

‘Aha, see you.’

She was right, though; Hijikata was looking better lately. Black bags under his eyes and pale bloated skin brought about by the alcohol abuse had disappeared. He had been spending a lot of time in the sun and tanned visibly, he started walking with his back straighter, and today he even laughed! Sniggered, maybe, but after months of cranky remarks and meaningless sarcastic grins, his sincere chuckle made Gintoki’s heart skip a beat.

Gintoki had been coming to Bushuu once a week. Every time it was just a couple hours of intense sword fighting… Hijikata was in great shape, it was taking him longer and longer to run out of stamina; and of course, Gintoki would _never_ yield to him, so he kept up the pace. After each session, they’d drop to the ground gushing sweat, and then Hijikata would always stand up, sit down on a rock under a torchlight, light up a cigarette and open a book. Gintoki would remain to lie in the grass, listening to the forest and his own breathing. Their words were scarce, and they would mostly only bicker at each other… But for some reason, Gintoki was beginning to _wait _for their every meeting with strange anticipation. 

Sometimes work would come up, and he wouldn’t be able to make it for two weeks or so, and he would go down mad with impatience. What the hell was this..? Hijikata didn’t seem to be bothered by any of that. Even with the harvest season over, he spent his days working on the farm, evenings training and nights reading… And even when they would not meet for a while, he’d never ask anything, only ever looking the other way.

Gintoki could not know, that every time he would leave, Toshirou would count days and hours until their next meeting too.

***

Gintoki growled and dropped on the ground face down as a bout of pain locked his ankle. He grabbed his foot and whined, then swore.

‘Fuck you, Hijikata!’ He yelled. ‘Can you stop being so intense? My fucking leg’s broken now!’

Hijikata immediately tossed his bokuto to the ground and ran up to Gin. Saying nothing, he took the boot off Gin’s right leg and looked at his foot, then touched it with his fingers; they felt pleasantly cold on his burning leg.

‘It’s not broken,’ Hijikata stated. ‘Rest on me.’

‘Huh? What?!’

Hijikata didn’t even listen to him; he put Gin’s arm over his shoulders and pulled him up, and half carried, half dragged him towards the stream, sat him down on a rock, and lowered Gin’s foot into the water.

The stream was cold, and he moaned.

‘Stop complaining,’ Hijikata snapped. He put his hands in the water and placed them on Gin’s ankle. ‘Bear with me.’

‘Wha-’ he grumbled, and then howled, as Toshirou pushed his ankle into place. Gin clawed into Hijikata’s shoulder, but the sudden pain was quickly washed away by the stream. It passed as swiftly as it started.

‘Whoa,’ Gin only muttered to himself. Hijikata sat up.

‘It wasn’t broken, only sprained, and I put it into place. You should let cool for a while now, and don’t step too much on it for a few days, but otherwise, it should heal quickly.’

He sat down on the grass, took off his slippers and put both his feet into the stream, then lit up a cigarette.

He was still sitting so intimidatingly close. When his cool hands first touched his ankle, Gintoki remembered a burning sensation rising to his cheeks… Hijikata’s sharp focused profile, his calloused skin, his arms lifting him up… 

It was dark, and Hijikata definitely could not see, but his cheeks were still red.

_ Where the hell was this coming from..?_

He turned his focus to his leg. It did not hurt much, only throbbed dully, and he was starting to feel little bites on his skin from the freezing water.

'Can I take it out now? You don't have enough money to pay for damages if I get frostbite and lose my leg here.'

Hijikata snorted. 'Crybaby,' he teased, but stood up, went to the chasm where he held his supplies and returned with a roll of tape. 'Show me.'

Gintoki pulled his leg out the stream and allowed Hijikata to treat it. Now, after the cold therapy, his hands felt impossibly warm.

Hijikata taped his ankle and then brought his boot to him. 'The taping will help us get you down the mountain. It will be best if you stay for the night, I will ask Akari-sama to prepare you a room. Someone will drive you to Edo tomorrow morning.'

Gintoki would've argued, but when he stood up and stepped on his bad leg, best he could do was stop himself from howling. Getting home by himself would be a drag.

Hijikata smirked, put all his supplies safely into his hideout and returned to him. 'Come on,' he urged, pulling his arm over his shoulder, and Gintoki rested against his side.

Ugh, getting down that mountain will be a drag, too.

Akari-sama appeared way too happy that Gintoki was staying for the night. She made food for both Hijikata and him, later prepared him a guest bedroom and even drew him a bath. Hijikata himself had disappeared somewhere, she explained he always helped with chores after dinner.

Gintoki took a bath and dressed in a white yukata that the mistress left at the door for him, and struggled back to his room. The guest bedroom opened into the garden, complete with some very old trees, well-kept shrubs, rocks, small white gravel ponds, patches of moss, and someone even lit a couple of lanterns at the back which now looked like the eyes of curious spirits staring through the night.

He sat down in the engawa with one leg tucked under him and rubbed his bad ankle.

After a while still, Hijikata showed up with a tray of sake.

'Didn't expect to find you awake, you loafer,' he grumbled.

'Was starting to lose hope you will ever show up with my booze,' Gintoki snapped back at him. Hijikata grimaced, put the tray on the ground between them and sat down next to the other beam. He poured the cups and gave one to Gin; himself, he only took a couple of tiny sips, and poured the rest on the ground.

'Been trying to... abstain for now,' he shrugged when Gintoki cocked an eyebrow at him. 'Had a bit of a... problem with this stuff.'

'No kidding,' Gin snorted. 'Won't catch me abstaining, though.'

'Of course not,' Hijikata smirked.

The night was settling in with a mellow chill. Once or twice Hijikata tossed small rocks into the shrubbery, followed by hushed giggles of Akari's kids who were no doubt interested in sneaking up on their strange guest. Their eldest, Takeshi, even crawled up to the engawa rubbing his forehead.

'Can I have some of that, Toshi-jisan?' He folded his arms on the engawa and pointed at the sake tray. Gintoki barely restrained an ugly snort.

'Only if you want to turn into an ojisan like me or him, trust me, you don't,' Hijikata smirked. The kid grimaced. 'Go to bed, or I'll tell your mother and she'll lock you up with your siblings.'

'Alright, alright, I'll go, no need to be so stuck up,' the kid complained, and this time, Gintoki laughed out loud.

'That's right,' he added, 'don't be a snitch, Toshi-jisan!'

The kid giggled. Hijikata rolled his eyes, but ruffled the boy's hair and gently pushed him to go.

'Good night, Take-kun.'

'Good night, Toshi-jisan.'

Still giggling, the boy ran off and disappeared behind the corner of the house.

Gintoki stared at him with a vile smirk in his eyes.

'Well well well. Toshi-jisan,' he grinned. Hijikata covered his eyes with his palm, knowing there was no way he was going to live this down. ‘You like those kids.’

'They are my nephews and niece, I'm supposed to like them,' he replied nonchalantly. Gintoki gave him a knowing grin. 'The eldest, Takeshi... He kind of reminds me of Sougo when he was that age. Just as bratty. I guess I turned out to like that side of him…’

‘You really loved him.’

Hijikata turned to look at the garden and absentmindedly scratched the side of his jaw.

‘I don’t know much about love,’ he said. ‘I only ever loved one woman, and even then I left her to wither in loneliness. And then I let her brother die. I guess I’m not really good at those things.’

‘Third time’s a charm,’ Gintoki replied, winking, and Hijikata stared at him.

It was closing to midnight now. The sky was moonless, the only light that fell on them was coming from candles in the guest room, but all it did was deepen the night around them. 

Gintoki poured them both another round. Hijikata was still watering the grass with his, while Gin was getting more and more lightheaded with each cup. They talked about nothings. About Princess Soyo and her retainers, and how Edo was still rebuilding. About odd jobs, new Shinsengumi recruits and a new type of rice that ate its own pests. Even when the candlelight in the room fizzled out and left them in the dark, and they fell silent, retreating each into their own thoughts, neither of them seemed to be in any hurry to part.

The air smelled of moss and summer.

‘Thank you, Gintoki,’ Hijikata said quietly out of a clear blue sky. Gintoki stared at him, but all he could see was a black blob.

‘Wha-a-at was that I heard?’

‘I'm not gonna repeat it,' Hijikata scoffed. 'But that's for all your help.'

'What help? How did I...' 

'Plenty,' Hijikata lit up a cigarette and puffed out a tumultuous plume of smoke; the red ember flickered as he moved. 'It's been a year now. Since Edo, since the battle... Everything. I don't think I'd be here today, if not for everything you've done.'

Gintoki remained silent, a little puzzled, and waited for him to continue.

'After Sougo’s funeral, that night when I turned up at your place… Do you know why I left the money to you?’

‘No... why?’

‘I had withdrawn everything from my accounts that day. I left almost everything at the headquarters for the Shinsengumi, and at a whim decided to leave some to you. I thought, maybe at least something good might come off that… After all, I finally felt I had to take responsibility for my failure and had decided to cut my gut the next day.’

Gintoki immediately remembered his discussion with the gorilla on the day Hijikata vanished. So the chief’s suspicions were right… Only they would’ve been too late.

He clicked his tongue.

‘Yet another stupid samurai bullshit. Do I hate samurais… Taking your own life just because of something as petty as that… It’s cowardice.’

‘Whatever you say. I do not think so… Death before dishonour is an important part of my bushido.’

‘Yes, well, that brings me to a puzzle. How are you still alive, then?’

Hijikata turned his head down. He stared at his hands, but clearly was seeing something distant.

‘I’d like to know that too. Or maybe I know it, just hate… how much of a coward I am. Would you like to know what stopped me?’

Gintoki only nodded. Hijikata put his hand into his sleeve and pulled something out in his fist.

‘Here.’

Hijikata took his hand and put a small bonbon into his palm. It was hard to tell in the dark, but it probably had a yellow wrapper.

‘What's this..?’

‘That night I crashed with you, you gave me a few candies like this.’

‘I… I did..?’

‘Mhm. When I was dressing down to get ready for seppuku, they fell out of my pocket. I took one and ate it… I didn’t have mayonnaise, so I thought this would do for my last meal. I mean, why not… But it was so good. The tastiest candy I’ve ever had in my life…’

Gintoki could only stare. Hijikata smiled privately. The clear night sky gave just enough light for Gintoki to see his features, softened by the dark.

‘After it melted in my mouth, I didn’t have the guts to kill myself anymore. I don’t know why. Maybe I am too weak to begin with. Maybe just so shallow, I thought that if die, I won’t ever get to eat something so good again… A coward, afraid of death, unable to follow my own path… I don’t know. But this is a fact, my life was spared more than once that night, thanks to you. I don’t know if that’s good… But I will try to do something with it.’

Gintoki was at a loss for words. He turned the candy between his fingers. It was just a cheap bonbon…

‘You can have this one back. In case you ever find anyone giving up… Just know that it can save lives.’

‘Oh. Okay...’ His thoughts were fuzzy.

Hijikata was sitting with his arms crossed on his chest, looking at the ground before himself.

‘You should probably go to rest, it’s late.’

‘Yeah…’ Gintoki stretched. He still struggled, trying to find something to say. Hijikata’s words echoed in his mind, and his sad smile made his heart race. He desperately wanted to crack that pained mask. ‘Hijikata?'

He looked up at him. Gintoki exhaled quietly.

'You know, I don’t think choosing life over death is cowardice. I believe it’s something entirely opposite. I’m not here to preach… But I think you’re here because you were brave enough to give it another chance. To try and change something instead of giving up on it all. That’s strength, not weakness.’

‘I’m not changing anything sitting here.’

‘You changed _something_. Yourself, maybe. My routine, because I’ve been fucking stuck coming here every Wednesday instead of watching my drama,’ he grinned. Hijikata scoffed. ‘Small things, but that’s a start, don’t you think?’

‘Don’t make light of me.’

‘I never have. It's why I’m here.’

The words struck like lightning. Gintoki quickly turned and stared before himself. He didn’t mean to say anything so profound, the words just dropped from his mouth without thinking. But the way it sounded in this quiet lonesome garden, away from all the despair of the world, with just the two of them… 

‘No, no, no,’ Gintoki chuckled and waved his hands. ‘I didn’t mean it. You’re so annoying, sulking all the time, making me say nice things to cheer you up. That’ll cost you extra!’

‘I don’t need cheering up.’

‘Sure you don’t. Want me to hold your hand?’

Hijikata quickly pulled his hands to himself.

‘You can get lost _ right about now_.’ He snapped. He stood up and picked up the tray.

Gintoki followed suit, resting against the beam, brushed his hands on his yukata and staggered towards the room. There was something else he _needed _to ask…

‘Say, Hijikata… Are you sure you won’t be needing this candy anymore..?’

Hijikata paused, but then looked at him over his shoulder and smiled.

‘I’m sure,’ he replied, and his voice was calm. ‘Good night, Gintoki.’

‘Good night, Toshi-jisan.’

Closing the sliding door behind him, he heard an exasperated sigh and smiled privately.

By the time Gintoki woke up next morning, Hijikata was already gone working in the fields, and it was their neighbour who drove him and his scooter back to Edo. All along the road, Gintoki absently stared out the truck window at the rolling fields, and in his hand played with a small candy in the pouch of his sleeve.


	4. Of Brilliance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another invasion threatens Edo, and Toshirou can't sit on his ass anymore.  
He swears he will not lose anyone again.  
Especially not the man who was the only white light in his darkness.

The new Amanto invasion came out of nowhere. Edo was under siege, the news reported more and more attacks, casualties and terrible destruction. With each report, Hijikata got more and more restless.

They were evacuating even Bushuu, moving everyone to mountain shelters.

Toshirou helped load the luggage and the kids to the truck, but his gaze was turning to the distance again and again.

It was time to go, but he could not just _leave them_... 

Akari understood. Before climbing to the driver's seat, she gripped his wrist.

‘Toshirou… We will be fine,’ she said resolutely. ‘The war won’t reach us, you have nothing to do here. I know how hard you’ve been training all this time, and if there was ever a time to use it, it is now, but it is not here! It is Edo that really needs you. It is your chief, and the silver-haired samurai who kept coming here trying to bring you back.’

Hijikata’s fists locked tight.

‘Akari-sama…’

She gently took his hand.

‘Tamegoro was _s__o proud _of you, Toshi. When he learned that you were heading to Edo and became a policeman, he was so happy. I guess we were all afraid you would remain a lawless ronin, with no place to belong and no purpose… But you went and became a true hero. You have no idea, how much it meant to Tamegoro and all of us. We all root for you, even now.’

‘I… I don’t know what to say. I’m very grateful for everything you did for me…’

‘What, this? Taking you in? You’re our family, never forget that. Here you can always return… But it’s not here that’s your home.’

Toshiro quickly dropped on his knees before her and bowed to the ground. The woman gasped.

‘Thank you for everything, Akari-sama. One last thing… Can I borrow your Kei-truck?’

She smiled and nodded. He jumped to his feet and darted downhill.

‘Take care of yourself, Toshi!’ She waved to his back. ‘Send a letter!’

Oh how he ran… He hadn’t run like this in ages.

How was he going to fight off another alien invasion..? He didn’t even have a sword.

But there was a metal hoe rested against a garage wall.

* * *

‘HANG ON, you bastard!’ Hijikata screamed, jumped over the opening chasm, landed on the other side of the slope and lowered the handle of his hoe. Gintoki grabbed onto it.

‘_You?!_’ He shouted. 'What the hell are _you_ doing here?!'

Hijikata grinned, pulling him up to safety.

‘Only came to introduce a new regulation weapon to Shinsengumi,’ he said, swinging the hoe leisurely.

Gintoki sniggered, panting. He stared up at Hijikata almost disbelieving his eyes. It's been some two months since they last met, he had not been to Bushuu ever since his leg got hurt, and after that, all the mess with the Amanto started, he was needed in Edo... But it's been long since he stopped expecting to see him here.

Hijikata pulled him up by the elbow and turned in the direction of the city.

‘Where are they stationed? Where’s military and other forces? Damn you all, this place is in shambles, who is running the defences?!’ 

‘Matsudaira holds the northern part of the city, and the police regiments are grouped up in the centre next to the palace. The rest has been lost to the Amanto already, but most of their forces are focused on the north now, so this place is empty.’

‘Seriously? What a mess. I need to get to Shinsengumi… Where’s your kids? Shinpachi and Kagura? They weren’t anywhere around, so..?’

‘They should be safe; I told them to stay in the castle with Princess Soyo and protect her.’

‘Good call. Let’s hurry up there too.’

‘Wait, I…’

‘What were you doing here alone anyway? Are you suicidal?'

That was one way to put it. He was going after Utsuro, but the damn freak escaped again.

'I don’t see anything worth engaging, and you almost died, so can we agree you screwed up? Let’s go now.’

Hijikata pulled him by the sleeve, but Gintoki still stood frozen, as if his feet had taken root in the ground.

'You bastard...'

‘What now? It’s no time to dawdle! You can spill all you think about me while we run!’

_ It’s not that, you idiot... _

‘You… You really came back.’

‘What are you talking about? Of course I came! The survival of Edo is at stake! I can’t leave this mess for you incompetents to deal with!’

‘Oy, oy, that was uncalled for,’ Gintoki puffed up and picked his ear. He felt a strange tidal wave rising inside him. What the hell was it, rage, frustration, or what..? ‘What about you?! Aren’t you just as much incompetent?!’

Hijikata stopped.

‘I am. But even like this, I can still fight, I can do _something_. If I can make _ any _difference at all, I’m going.’

‘Don’t tell me you are going in there _ to die_!’

‘No, you idiot! I already told you, I would’ve cut my stomach long ago if I had the guts and if I thought my death could solve anything. I know it won’t… And I don’t want to die. As long as I breathe, I _ can do _ something to save this place.’ He quieted down as if struggling for words, and tapped several times at the ground with the butt of his hoe. _ If there was ever a place he could call home… _‘I want to keep protecting Edo with you, that’s all.’

Gintoki’s eyes widened.

That man who had been lost for so long… That man with hunched shoulders and a miserable grey face, that man who feared his own shadow and conscience more than anything, torn apart by guilt and self-hatred and by those standards he had set for himself… That man who only walked in great darkness with his eyes closed...

That man…

Gin darted forward and, somehow, without him thinking, his arms wrapped around Hijikata's waist.

‘Wha- wh- What the hell… Yo-’ Hijikata stammered and looked over his shoulder. Gintoki was hiding his face in his kimono.

‘Sorry, sorry! Some alien must've hacked my brain and started controlling my body,' he mumbled. Hijikata tried to push him off, but Gintoki did not let go. 'It’s just… It’s been so long since I last saw the real Hijikata Toshirou. I didn’t know if you were ever going to come back...’

‘Yorozuya… What are you...’

Hijikata remembered how his heart froze when he first heard about the annihilation of Edo. Of course, he was worried about Kondou-san and the Shinsengumi… But he could not deny it to himself; it wasn’t them he rushed so hard to look for.

_ An outcast who made him laugh again. A good-for-nothing with a perfect bushido. His rival, his pain in the ass, his friend. _

_ The man who gave him back his courage. _

Hijikata escaped Gintoki’s arms, turned and grasped him by the collar, pulled him closer and kissed him on the lips.

He stepped back, looking down, flushed just a little. Gintoki stared at him, his face red and his hands shaking.

‘I’m sorry,’ Hijikata muttered. ‘I shouldn’t have-’

Gintoki grabbed his hand before he could move away. The tide in his stomach turned into a storm of diamond dust…

And that storm surged to the surface of his soul, and he started laughing; he laughed for a long half a minute, heartily, tears running down his cheeks at the same time. Hijikata smiled too, and finally tugged his arm.

‘Let’s get a drink together after this is all over. My treat. But now let’s go kick some ass, Yorozuya,’ He urged, and they both set off in the direction of the ruined city, Gintoki still rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.

‘Maybe you should turn back. What can you do with a hoe, you damn farmer,’ Gintoki jeered, finally himself again, as they swept past ruins, and fires, and devastation. 

‘You’d be surprised at what a useful tool a hoe is, fucking perm,’ Hijikata’s face was serious. He was assessing the surroundings and calculating something in his head.

The Demon Vice-chief was back.

***

Almost single-handedly, the two of them repelled _a whole company_. The Shinsengumi were finally regrouping, one of them, probably an officer, came up.

Hijikata stormed past him as if he owned the place, Gintoki could not conceal a happy smirk on his face.

‘Who runs this establishment?!’ The Demon Vice-chief bellowed at a group of men in Shinsengumi uniforms.

‘I am. Captain Shibaru at your service, sir, but this territory is unsafe to civilians, please evacuate-’

It was a young officer, probably recruited after the Amanto disaster.

‘Oh, you _think_?!’ Hijikata waved the butt of his hoe at him. ‘You fucking want to get everyone killed here? Why’s there no outpost? Why are there no snipers at vantage? You with a sniper,’ he pointed at one of the puzzled soldiers, ‘yes, you, take a radio and climb up that tower immediately, and report what you see.’

‘But there’s nothing to look out for on that si-’

‘Now!’ Hijikata’s face was a nightmare. The man caught looks from another officer, who nodded, so he obeyed and scurried away. ‘Now, _Captain_, do you have any running armoured vehicles?’

‘Um, yes, but wha-’

‘Then get out there and form an outpost. One enemy company and a farmer already slipped through, don’t you think an _ army _could take you by surprise?’

‘Um, ah, the army’s on the other side, they won’t be coming through here-’

‘Is this seriously your excuse?! What’s happened to this unit! Seppuku to all of you! Don’t get on my nerves and send someone to form outposts. Go!’

Ignoring the man’s confused face, Hijikata then stomped towards an officer with a radio and pulled it from the terrified man’s hands.

‘What location is this?’ He asked, glaring at Captain Shibaru again.

‘Who do you-’

‘The Western Gate,’ Gintoki answered instead. He was enjoying the show, raking his nose. Hijikata kept ignoring the captain’s effort to stop him and turned on the radio.

‘Central unit speaking,' it crackled, 'anything to report?’

‘This is the Western Gate, get me your commanding officer now,’ Hijikata yelled.

‘Captain Shibaru, is that you? What should I re-’

‘Shut up, you fucking moron, don’t waste my time with your questions and give me Todo!’

Captain Shibaru seemed to finally have regained his resolution.

‘What the hell are you doing?!’ He screamed at Hijikata and pulled him by the collar…

Hijikata swiftly grabbed something from his kimono and slammed it into the officer’s face, sending him falling to the ground. The other men quickly scuffled towards him drawing their swords, but Gintoki stepped between him and the mob.

‘Put down your weapons right now,’ Hijikata said calmly. Captain Shibaru was staring at the Shinsengumi badge smashed against his face.

‘I can’t believe you kept your badge!’ Gintoki laughed.

‘Of course I kept it. Do you know how many government-funded discounts I get with it?’

‘Stand down, everyone,’ the young captain stuttered.

‘What is going on there! Captain Shibaru?’

‘This is Hijikata Toshirou speaking, Shinsengumi vice-chief,’ Hijikata said into the microphone, and Gintoki watched a wave of astonishment roll over all the faces of the regiment. ‘If you don’t get me Todo within three seconds, I swear you will be the first candidate for seppuku once I’m back in the central unit. Now, go!’

Captain Shibaru was already arranging his men to go form the outpost.

‘Vice-chief, my apologies,’ he mumbled. ‘I was not informed you will show-’

Hijikata glared at him.

‘I might have been Satan himself and you let me play you pretty dumb,’ he said reproachfully. ‘Now is not the time for apologies.’

‘Vice-chief! Vice-chief! Is that really you?!’ The radio chimed with a million voices.

‘Who is this?’

‘Todo!’

‘Kamiyama!’

‘Tetsunosuke! Vice-chief, are you-’

‘Shut up, morons! Todo, fill me in.’

‘Yes, sir! Our forces are in three units, west, central and east. Since east’s on the border with the faction of Matsudaira-sama and under constant attack, most of our men with experience are deployed there, with the chief, Harada-san and Takeda-san commanding. The centre runs recon and guards the palace. West was already in ruins, so I only deployed a buffer unit there, with Shibaru-san, the captain of the sixth squad.’

‘Did you seriously replace Inoue with this oaf? Oh, damn it. Okay. Listen, I will go to the eastern unit after I finish setting up here. While I work, I will need updates, can you send me two inspectors with reports?’

‘Yamazaki is here, I will send him to you. Shinnosuke is on duty with the chief.’

‘Okay, Yamazaki will do. Also, if you can excuse your assistant, send me Tetsu, I’ve got work for him. Hurry up. We’ve got no time to waste if we hope to save the day.’

‘Roger! Vice-chief, it’s great to have you back.’

‘Ah. It’s good to hear you all alive. Good work hanging in.’

Gintoki watched the fuss from aside, almost phased out by Hijikata’s overwhelming presence. The second he stepped on the field, he was in control, he was collected, wise and natural. The Shinsengumi had lost half their soul… But now it returned to them in all its grace, beaming like a ray of sun through the darkest night.

No matter how this day will play out… Gintoki felt new strength fill his body. He would not have been able to pull through by himself… But together, they could do just about anything.

* * *

'So this is all run by Utsuro,' Hijikata concluded. 'Again.'

Katsura nodded.

They were gathered in an old half-rotten, half-burned temple in the hills north of the city to make their war council.

'Have you tried duping him in acid and then dropping a nuke on what's left?'

Katsura nodded affirmatively. Gintoki scoffed into his palm.

'He's a rare cockroach then,' the vice-chief smacked his tongue. 'So what was your plan? How do we kick him off our planet this time?'

Gintoki cast a small glance at Takasugi, who was still sitting outside on the engawa, gazing absently at the city underhill.

'Just to fight him, until one of us gets him,' the Kiheitai captain said.

'_That _sounds strategically flawless,' Hijikata mocked.

'That's what I've been saying!' Sakamoto cut in. 'If bozos want to die, they should all overdose on viagra and drop dead from overexerting themselves, not like this.'

The other former Joui ignored him.

'We have a sword,' Takasugi spoke and they all turned to him. He had a sheathe in his lap. 'It is an Amanto sword from planet Excalibur.'

Hijikata went blue. 'Ugh, not those bastards again.'

'This one is special. It is laced with a certain alien toxin,' Takasugi continued explaining. 'Once it gets into a person's body, it cuts off all their nerve signals and renders their muscles useless. If we cannot kill him, we might be able to stop him this way.'

'And Utsuro won't have a way of overcoming that, or whatever?'

'For as long as the toxin is in contact with blood, it renews itself. We hope we can keep Utsuro in suspended animation for long enough to put him on a spaceship and launch him into the sun.'

'Let's hope that won't put it out.'

'Yes.'

Hijikata pursed his lips. The plan was terrible. A last-ditch effort, riding on so many ifs no self-respecting general would ever approve of it. It was also their only chance.

'When do we move?'

'We still don't have Utsuro's location, but when we do, at once.'

'I see. Let me know. I have to return to Shinsengumi now.'

'Why would we tell you?' Gintoki snapped. 'You're not part of this.'

'Of course I'm coming with you. There has to be at least on competent samurai on this operation after you good-for-nothings screw up.'

'What? No way you're coming!' Gintoki growled. 'Zura-a-a! Tell this damn farmer to go back to his damn rice fields.' 

'Aha? Who died and made you the boss of me?'

They stood before each other and both their eyes sent thunderbolts.

'I'm afraid he's right, Gintoki,' Katsura said wearily, not bothering with their fight. 'We might actually need everyone to pull this off. I will send a message once we are ready, Hijikata-san.'

The vice-chief donned a victorious smirk, saluted and left the run-down shed trough the back door.

Gintoki stomped furiously after him.

'You can't come!' He snarled at his back. Hijikata did not even turn, but stopped, lighting up a cigarette.

'Last I checked, I still have legs, so yes, I can,' he replied nonchalantly.

'I'll cut your damn legs off. Don't you understand? This... Us against Utsuro... Even if we manage to do it-'

'That's why I'm going. To make sure we all come back.'

He sounded so firm when he said it. Gintoki groaned and rolled his eyes. 'What about Shinsengumi? Isn't that your place? Aren't you supposed to stand with them?'

'They held their ground fine all this time I've been away. They will continue to do so. I have another place I need to stand at now.'

'I fought Utsuro twice already. Didn't even make a dent.'

Finally, Hijikata turned with a small smile on his face. 'Third time's a charm, remember?'

Gintoki stared at him and huffed, unable to withhold his own resigned smile. They were both too stubborn for their own good. 'Hijikata...'

'Toshi is fine.'

His eyes widened. _No way. No fucking way..!_

'Toshi?'

Hijikata was still looking at him, and he had a violent blush on his cheeks, and Gintoki was sure he had forgotten how to breathe.

'I will see you later,' the vice-chief turned and walked away with his hands in his pockets, leaving Gintoki turned into a rock where he stood, with his heart flapping in his chest and a name sweet on his tongue. And he still remembered the sensation of Hijikata's lips on his.

There was no way he was losing it again.

* * *

Utsuro's sword rose above Gintoki's head. He gripped around for his, but could not reach it. This was it-

_ If there was one thing… If there was a single thing he could do… _

‘Gin!’ Toshirou flashed in between them and stopped Utsuro’s falling blade with his.

Just for a second… The way the light fell… Gintoki could see a white aura around his head.

The demon vice-chief withstood the devil himself… 

But then right before their eyes, his blade shattered into pieces, and Utsuro’s sword cut across his chest top to bottom.

‘Your sword can’t reach me,’ Utsuro whispered, smiling knowingly.

The fountain of blood, the immense pounding, the sudden unbeatable weakness in all his limbs… Hijikata groaned woefully, but he did not have the time to focus on the pain- 

In his palm, he swiftly turned the handle of his sword. There were still two inches of a broken blade protruding out of it… Furiously he plunged forward and drove the shard into Utsuro’s throat.

A spurt of warm blood splashed his hand...

‘It doesn’t matter if my sword can’t reach you,’ he hissed. ‘But now, _ his sword _will!’

He could see astonishment frozen even in the eyes of the monster.

As Hijikata felt the world slip from under his feet, he saw a dark shadow rise over Utsuro’s head. 

Screaming at the top of his lungs, Gintoki jumped towards Utsuro from behind with the alien sword raised.

With all of them working together, with all that blood spilt for him to get here, with all those hearts sacrificed to protect this city, this country, this Earth-

His sword was finally there, straight through Utsuro’s brow.

The battlefield submerged in a tide of light.

***

Grey clouds were racing above their heads. Gintoki was lying flat on his back, listening to his own breathing. His muscles screamed; all of a sudden, he felt so alive… 

Yards away, Zura and Takasugi were catching their breath too, resting against each other’s backs. Zura was wheezing in pain. His right arm was stuck in a pile of enemy bodies some yards away, still holding a sword.

‘We did it,’ he said, smiling weakly. ‘The Earth is safe.’

‘For now,’ Takasugi snapped. ‘Look how much we lost for that. You don’t even have a fucking arm, what will you do, if they decide-’

‘You’re such a party-pooper, Shinsuke. We know… But the samurai of this land still live. And so we’ll prevail again.’

They live…

They li-

Gintoki darted up from the ground and turned over his shoulder, scanning the field in the distance. Takasugi followed his look.

‘Oy! Oy!’ Gintoki yelled. ‘Get up! Don’t just croak there, it’s not over yet! Hijikata!’

The vice-chief was lying on his side with his back turned to them. Gintoki felt his insides freeze. Clawing into the ground, he started crawling furiously, finally got up on his feet and started running, until he tumbled next to him.

‘Hijikata!’

He turned him over. Hijikata’s chest was cut open from the left shoulder down to the right side of the abdomen. Blood was still gushing incessantly, he was lying in a puddle.

His eyes were only half-open.

‘There you are…’ Hijikata’s voice was already so weak. ‘Took you long enough… I was beginning to… think… you’ll fuck it up.’

‘Shut up, asshole, I was in full control.’

‘Right… Sure you were. Good job, Yorozuya…’

Gintoki pressed his hand to Hijikata’s wound. He knew it was already impossible to do anything. He knew, he knew, he knew…

‘No. No, no, no, no,’ he started mumbling under his breath. ‘Wait here, I’ll go find help. Help!’

Hijikata's fingers slowly curled around his wrist.

‘Gin…’ He muttered. ‘Don’t… don’t go… Not for long now… Just for a minute. Please.’

Gintoki felt a stab in his chest.

‘My blade… broke,’ Hijikata wheezed again, grinning. ‘What are the odds?! That does not happen… in real life. So stupid. Should've kept my hoe.’

Gintoki snorted painfully. 

‘Just your luck… You promised me a drink, you fucking cheapskate,’ he snapped. His eyes were beginning to itch. Hijikata snorted and coughed up blood. He was smiling stupidly, red lines drooling down his chin. He slowly raised his hand and placed his palm on Gintoki’s chest.

‘It’s not… over,’ he managed. ‘No matter how miserable it gets… Even if you lose... even if it’s someone you love from the very bottom of your soul…’

Gintoki gasped. Hijikata wasn’t talking about him, was he..?

And then it dawned to him.

‘Sougo..?’

‘Sougo was. Kondou-san is. And _you _are… Listen… Even in the darkest night, there might still be someone to come and destroy it. To me, it was the most brilliant white light I’ve ever seen, _ a silver moon_… And when it shines, it’ll bring back all you’ve lost and more. It’ll restore all your courage…’

With his weakening hand, Hijikata was balling the cloth of Gintoki’s kimono.

‘So don’t give up, Gin. Live… Live my share… for me,’ he raised his hand just a little higher and gently ran his fingers on the side of Gintoki’s jaw. It was about as much as he could reach…

Gintoki only nodded; he wanted to say something snappy, but could not find his voice anymore. His heart was breaking as if continuously stabbed by white-hot daggers, and his eyes and nose were streaming all sorts of liquids non-stop.

‘What’s with that… moronic face… Is that really… the last thing… I will see…’

‘You sure are uncharacteristically talkative,’ Gintoki managed. He lied down on the ground beside Hijikata and embraced him, burying his face in his tobacco-smelling hair.

‘Of course… I’m happy… You saved me, Gin. I got to live… so many… good things… and now…’ his voice gradually got quieter, ‘I’m dying… in the arms of someone I lo-’

Until it faded completely and turned silent forever.

Gintoki squeaked, hugged him tighter, muffling his voice in Hijikata’s hair, and his sight blacked out.


	5. Epilogue

He knocked on the door and listened to approaching footsteps. The door was opened by a middle-aged woman in a simple green-and-white kimono. She was smiling.

‘Akari-sama,’ Gintoki bowed.

‘Oh, Sakata-san! Welcome,’ the widow waved. ‘Come in, come in, we haven’t seen you in ages. How have you been?’

‘Akari-sama, I came to…’ He stuttered for words. He had been putting off this visit for months now.

‘To tell us what happened to Toshi-san, right?’ She asked looking over her shoulder. ‘Please come in and sit, Sakata-san. I’ll bring some tea.’

She led him into a room with a table. He sat down on the mat before it, the woman left, and he looked around. He had visited many times, but had never been inside the Hijikata residence before, except for the guest room… The interior was incredibly austere, not a hint of decoration.

‘The last master of this place was a blind man, after all,’ Akari said before he could ask, ‘so we didn’t care much for looks.’

She placed the platter with cups and sweets on the table and sat down on her legs before him.

‘We know that he’s dead, so you don’t have to worry about telling us. If you could just tell me what happened…’

‘You know that he’s dead? How?’

‘Oh, yes. He promised to come back, but he did not. At first, I was happy… I thought he finally returned to his home in Edo. We all wished for that… But then, his letter did not come. And did not come again… They weren’t just for my husband, his letters, and he never stopped sending them, even after Tamegoro’s death,’ she continued, looking down. ‘Over the years we began looking forward to them too. And it did not come again… And that’s how we knew our Toshi was gone.’

_ His letters _… 

‘I’m so sorry, Akari-sama,’ Gintoki bowed his head. ‘He died a hero. He told me he didn’t want to… But I guess his conscience didn’t let him choose.’

‘If he did not _want _to, makes me feel a hundredfold better,’ the woman finally smiled again.

* * *

_ We do not choose who we love_.

_ We do not know how it ends and how much it will hurt us, just to breathe, after it’s gone. _

_ But I’d rather cry my heart out on listless nights than never have seen your smile, or never heard those words you said to me with your dying breath. _

Gintoki unwrapped the bonbon and put it in his mouth.

_ I will live it all for you. I will drink all the booze, eat all the yakiniku you would have (don’t expect me to eat mayonnaise though), and watch all the dramas that you would’ve watched. I will yell your share at the gorilla when he screws up, and I will teach his kid that a hoe is a great tool. And I will laugh twice as much, for all the times you would’ve laughed with me. _

Gintoki covered his eyes with his palm.

Sweet… It really was the tastiest candy in the whole damn world.

‘Oh, damn,’ he mumbled to himself when he felt his voice was even again, ‘I forgot to buy JUMP yesterday…’

He put his hands in his pockets and returned inside.


End file.
